As I write this it’s Christmas Eve and the world seems utterly unaware of the catastrophe that tonight could bring if nothing is done.
That catastrophe comes in the shape of a fat old geezer with a big white beard and a red suit.
I am talking, of course, about Santa Claus.
You see, tonight Santa will fly around the world visiting billions of homes (no, don’t argue with me, this is what the science tells us and you can’t argue with science).
The problem with this, and that disaster in waiting, is that the science tells (and once again, you can’t argue with science) us that Santa is riddled with ‘rona. In fact he is officially and scientifically a coronavirus Superspreader!
This terrifying fact has been exclusively revealed to me by Neil Ferguson of the UK’s Imperial College – the same brilliant scientist who first correctly predicted that 478 billion people would die of coronavirus over the course of the weekend.
This, as my mate Neil explained to me, is the science as to why Santa is a Superspreader:
- Santa lives in the Arctic.
- We already know that the Arctic is riddled with the ‘rona.
- If you put snow through a PCR coronavirus test you will get a positive test result – snow can spread the ‘rona!
- Additional modelling by Imperial College has already proved beyond doubt that the strain of ‘rona spread by snow is 87 million times more infectious and deadly than what ever version of the ‘rona it is that we’re on today.
- Now, take points 1 to 4 and..res ipsa loquitor…Santa lives in the Arctic, he’s in and out of snow all day so he’s 100% scientifically proven to be a Superspreader.
For the sake of the children Santa must be stopped!!
Just think, tonight he’ll be sneaking down billions of chimneys, a red-suited, rotund Bringer of Death, delivering ‘rona riddled presents directly into the hands of our kids!
I appeal to governments around the world to save humanity from the threat of Santa – this is an existential crisis and we must respond!
So, people, if we are to save the world, take to the streets (virtually, obviously…) and demand that your Dear Leaders respond! We must use the world’s sophisticated military technologies to defeat the menace of Santa! We must track him as he and his mangy reindeer fly through the skies and the first house he lands at – boom! – we launch a massive nuclear strike against the evil fat Santa bastard!
And that’s it – problem solved, Santa dead and incinerated, world saved – plus the entire area around Santa will be consumed in the flames of nuclear conflagration which is great as it will ensure that the deadly Santa Strain of the ‘rona dies with the chuckling, bearded git.
Obvs that hundreds of thousands of innocent men, women and children will also die in the nuclear strike but, as we know, death is only a problem when people die of the ‘rona, any other form of death is not relevant – for example…don’t you just get sick to the back teeth of all those whingeing bastards with cancer complaining that their hospital appointment had been cancelled…I mean who THE FUCK do they think they are!!!