Disturbing news from the United Kingdom’s prestigious Imperial College of Fraudulent Junk Scientists. Computer modelling, programmed in BASIC and performed on a highly sophisticated Sinclair Spectrum 48k home computer, proves that coronavirus is spread by farting. Even worse, fart gas exacerbates the lethality of the coronavirus and makes it even more deadly than the usual coronavirus.
Governments around the world are scrabbling desperately to tackle this new and terrifying threat of fart-borne coronavirus.
As an initial response to this stinky horror, our Beloved Leaders have decreed that from midnight tonight nobody will be able to go out anywhere without a butt plug shoved up their arse – additional computer modelling by the Imperial College Junk Scientists (also programmed in BASIC and run on that high-tec Sinclair Spectrum 48k) show that butt plugs are 99.7% effective at stopping farting.
It should also be noted that should you choose to risk your life by actually crawling out from under your bed and leaving the house to try and actually live a life (in a direct affront to the Holy Coronavirus Death Cult) then not only must you have your butt plug inserted firmly up your arse but you must also be naked from the waist down so that the Security Services and the Coronavirus Monitors can confirm you are fart gas safe. People discovered outside without a butt plug in their arse will be deemed to be at risk of spreading coronavirus and put on a train to a resettlement camp (sorry, coronavirus quarantine center) where they will be asked to take a shower.