Why did The Devil invent the Internet?

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My new book of Devil and God themed tales is out now in ebook and paperback formats, available to buy at Amazon stores internationally…the ebook is currently available at a special new release price of just $0.99/£0.99, the paperback $7.99/£5.99

Buy or read free preview at Amazon.com

Buy or read free preview at Amazon.co.uk

Here’s a bit from the book…..

If you’re to understand why the Devil invented the internet then you need to start with one very important fact. And that is that God and The Devil were not always daggers drawn at opposite ends of the spiritual spectrum, so to speak.

Indeed, in the beginning there was the light, and there was God and there was The Devil. And God and The Devil were great friends and partners and the basis, the cement, of that relationship was the world creation business.

Together, God and The Devil would pass many a happy eon together planning and creating new worlds. World after world after world they made together. God would make the basic planet structure, the weather system, the geotectonics and the highest life-form and The Devil would do the rest: the plants, the animals, the insects, the microscopic life. Aware of God’s tendency towards ‘fire and forget’ creation, The Devil, a great believer in post-creation customer support, would then take meticulous care to make sure that each new world created was catalogued, observed and managed, taking the time to tweak and correct any small issues that might come up as the world developed. Thanks to God’s creative flair and The Devil’s impressive administrative and managerial talents the God-Devil period of world creation was extraordinarily fruitful and the Universe grew at a rate not since matched, with one successful world succeeding another and then another and then another and then…you get the idea. So much different to nowadays when God churns out a world and forgets He’s done it, leaving it at the mercy of the forces of entropy – hence the current state of chaos in the Universe, of which I’m sure you’re more than well aware of.

All throughout this God-Devil period, The Devil was a delightful creature; warm, friendly, happy, enthusiastic and full of love: not a trace of the evil that was later to consume him. So, what went wrong?

Well, truth be told, it was, as so often, God that made a mess of things.

You see, and this is something you’re probably unaware of, God has the attention span of a bored teenager. Here’s an example of that easily-distracted mentality of His– the incident that led to The Devil becoming The Devil as you know him today.

So, making successful world after successful world wasn’t enough for God. It all became too formulaic for Him and He decided that He would try something new. In all previous worlds made by God and The Devil, the highest life form (as created by Him) operated on a spiritual level governed by one of the Universal Laws of the Universe – that being Love. Now, running a world on that kind of principle is, pretty much, a sure fire recipe for getting it right. But, oh no, that wasn’t enough for God, why should He be bound by some silly Universal Law? He was the Supreme Being, after all. Did I mention that God can be a tad arrogant…

The result of God’s line of thinking was a plan for a new kind of planet – a planet where the highest life form (codenamed ‘humans’, a name that remains to this day) would have something that God would call ‘free will’. They would be ‘free’ to decide what was good and what was bad, who to love and who to hate, to be truthful or untruthful and their nature would not be based on the Universal Law of Love, rather upon whatever rushed in to fill the vacuum.

The Devil, always wise, argued against this. He said it would be a disaster. That it would not work. That it was a recipe for pain and suffering and grief. That there was plenty of bad stuff out there, floating around looking for a home just such as the planet God proposed.

But God, exhibiting now not the characteristics of a bored teenager but of a stuffy, middle-aged, middle class male, decided that He was right, everyone else was wrong and He would do what He jolly well wanted to do and if The Devil didn’t like it he could do one. And, after much heated discussion, The Devil went along with God’s plan. He recognised that God could be arrogant, spiteful but mostly He was (like us all) a prisoner of His nature and mostly He was good: His sins were sins of omission and frailty and incompetence, not of evil so if God said it would all be okay then he should probably accept that. And after so much time together, so many worlds created together, The Devil had come to love God deeply and found it hard to deny Him anything.

And so a new planet, fully stocked with ‘humans’ came into existence. And what a disaster it all was! As predicted, Humanity became prey to every poisonous wisp of depravity and evil floating round the Universe. And the Devil, with his micro-management, cataloguing and observation saw it all. For one thousand one hundred and twenty seven years he observed Planet Earth and every day he saw a new atrocity, a new depravity, every day a new crime committed by mankind against mankind or animals or the environment. And The Devil would feel the pain and he would weep. He tried to speak to God about it:

God, look what your ‘humans’ are doing – look at the things they do to my beautiful animals, outdone in evil only by the things they do to each other! You must take away this curse of free will or this new planet will become a ball of suppurating evil that will infect the Universe!”

God was having none of it, truth be told he’d already moved on to the next thing and had completely forgotten about creating Planet Earth and the whole ‘free will’ thing ( a concept he, thankfully, used only once) and, anyway, he was the Supreme Being so what was The Devil talking about? Supreme Beings don’t make mistakes. Things became very tense between God and The Devil, The Devil depressed and outraged on a day by day basis by the horrors of God’s new planet and infuriated by God’s indifference to it all and refusal to engage. Eventually The Devil could bear his pain and frustration no longer and resolved to solve the problem himself. One day, whilst God was off doing Supreme Being type things, he hacked into the new planet’s Life Forms Database and accessed humanity’s DNA. His attention was to splice out those baleful chromosomes responsible for free will. Oh, if he had succeeded in the plan what a better place your world would be today! But – sadly for all concerned some particularly obsequious and nosey Archangel spotted what The Devil was up to and reported the matter to God.

And God was furious!

How dare anyone interfere with His creation!

Who, exactly, is the Supreme Being around here!

No-one, but no-one, challenges the Authority of God!

And so The Devil’s gallant attempt to free humanity of the curse of free will failed. God and The Devil fought terribly. God was maddened with rage. Rather than argue more, rather than accept The Devil’s, frankly very coherent, assessment of the situation, rather than admit that He had made a mistake, God went big time Old Testament and yelled:

If you’re that bothered about that bloody planet you can bloody well go and live there – you’re bloody well banished!”

The next thing The Devil knew he was there on that horrible mistake of a planet. Alone. Banished. Denied the love of God and all that he had ever known and cherished. His poor heart broke into a thousand pieces and he cried and cried for a precious and beautiful thing lost and never to be found again.

For the next one thousand one hundred and forty three years, The Devil wandered the face of the planet of his banishment, a poor lost soul mourning his break with God, but despite his own pain he was still, at that stage, a creature filled with love and he would try and share it with humans whenever he met them. He was constantly rebuffed, cast out, laughed at and ridiculed. He became filled with despair and, eventually and to his horror, he noticed evil thoughts sneaking into his own mind. At first it was just one at a time, then two, then three, then a multitude until he knew that the evil of humanity was infecting him, too, that it was gnawing and eating away at everything good in his soul.

Then there arrived the black day when the power of evil that had crept into him became too strong. Chancing upon a random and vulnerable person The Devil – in a fashion that is all too human – committed an unspeakable and vile atrocity against that person.

What had he become? A monster. He was corrupted. A threshold had been crossed. Deeply distressed, The Devil roared at the sky, unleashing a cry so loud that it shook mountains and of such bleakness that it killed babies in the womb. The Devil was ashamed of what he’d done, disgusted by what he’d become. In his shame, he wished to hide his face from God. So he began to dig into the ground beneath his feet. He dug and he dug, down and down. Down to the molten bowels of the planet. And there he would make his home.

The Devil had hoped that burying himself so deep down would protect him from the evil of people. But it was not to be. Evil carried on infecting The Devil, taking over his soul and becoming to him as addictive as any powerful drug. He began to revel and delight in the power of evil and where once he had tried to spread Love he now spread hate and pain and suffering, seeking to always increase the Greater Sum of Misery in the Universe. And when an evil soul left a human body he would gather it to himself in his fiery home, Hell as he had christened it, both to draw strength from its evil and to punish it for its role in making him the wretched creature he had become. So, you see, the Devil is a creation not of himself but of God’s pettiness and humanity’s evil – but whilst drawn to that evil, he still seeks to punish it. Just as God is not entirely good, The Devil is not entirely bad.

Why The Devil invented The Internet

One night last year, by a combination of coincidence, bad judgement and misfortune, I ended up on my own in a pub in London, in Soho to be precise. It was a Friday night, but the place was quiet. I was standing at the bar, just about to order a drink when this guy comes bumbling up to me. A bloke in his fifties (at a guess), he had a florid, greasy complexion and, though skinny, had a strangely swollen belly. To me, he looked, and smelt, like a down-on-his-luck alcoholic. Facially, he bore a remarkable resemblance to that Ming the Merciless from “Flash Gordon.”

So, Ming turns to look at me, peering with bloodshot, tired eyes he says “tell you what mate, buy me a drink and I’ll tell you a story, a true story, one like you’ve never ‘eard before.”

Now, me, I’m a sucker for a story so I’m intrigued, “what sort of story would that be then?” I ask.

Well, I used to be a cab driver, din’t and one day I ‘ad that Satan in the back of me cab…”

Satan? You mean as in the Devil…!?”

Yeh, that’s right, Old Nick ‘imself, from The City to ‘eathrow, that were the fare and ‘e talked the ‘ole way, ‘e told me stuff, terrible stuff, things I wished I’d never ‘eard, stuff that ruined my life.”

Okay, I’m hooked. This guy could just be a random nutjob, but the concept of the Devil riding in the back of a black cab and spilling his heart out to the driver is one that’s just too good to miss. So, I buy the guy a drink.

And he tells me a story of the Devil.

First off, it’s important to note that our Ming was, before meeting his Satanic customer, just an ordinary black cab driver. Tendency to talk too much, wife, kids, house. After his meeting with Satan, it all fell apart. Wife, kids, house, job, all gone. Too much knowledge is dangerous. For this reason, Ming explained he couldn’t tell me everything the Devil told him, or my life, too, would be destroyed. He’d just tell me about things the Devil had invented.

You see Satan has walked with us since we took our first faltering steps on this planet. He has whispered into the ears of Pol Pot, Genghis Khan, Torquemada and Adolf Hitler. He wielded a machete in Rwanda, dropped napalm in Vietnam and hung “witches” in New England: he has marched with every marauding army that has ever left its blood-stained footprints across countries and continents, he has picked up babies by their legs and dashed their brains out against walls, he has herded women and children into barns, thrown in a phosphorus grenade behind them and bolted shut the doors.

In short, the Devil’s a bad sort. He’s also a troubled, deep, contradictory and complex character, for whilst he loathes and detests us (blaming us for his rift with his beloved friend, God), he also loves us. He loves us passionately. He loves us because he was part of our creation and because he is fascinated by us, by our capacity for endless evil….

What happens next?? Buy the book and find out….

Buy or read free preview at Amazon.com

Buy or read free preview at Amazon.co.uk

 

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