An Insider’s Guide to Unsocial Media


In a wide ranging, in-depth and exclusive interview with leading PooTube social media influencer, Vac-U-Us, last week we got the true low-down on (Un)Social Media from Mr. Vac-U-Us himself. Most of the interview was (typically, for one so prominent in (Un)Social Media) a rambling, onanistic, egotistic, shallow, pointless and (dare we say it) vacuous monologue – but Mr. Vacuous did produce some interesting insights into the most popular social media sites that are rotting brains the world over even as we type…we transcribe his comments below:

Fakebook…Mr. Vac-U-Us says: ‘Yeh, like, Fakebook is the big daddy site, innit, it’s like massive and it’s well good cos everyone gets to know all about your life, I mean, like, even governments use it to see wot you is thinking so they can make up stuff to tell youse at elections it’s great, innit, I mean it’s like totally full of fake shit like fake clicks and fake friends and fake people and shit loads of fake news from, like CNN, but it’s still good and the best thing of all is that it’s got, like, this Fakebook Live thing where youse can see live stuff like people being raped and murdered and shit and it’s, like real and as it happens and, like, how cool is that?’

Twatter…‘Oh, cool, Twatter, love it, it’s totally the place to go if youse is like wot I am, a total twat and you can, like, twatter at people and it’s like a site for well clever people cos even, like, Donald Trump twatters on Twatter and he is like a well clever big twat cos he is president or some thing of some country and, like, on twatter you can say, like big time nasty shit to people who don’t, like, say the same shit as you and then if they, like, try and answer youse back youse can just block them which is great ‘cos then you don’t never get challenged by, like, new ideas or different stuff ‘cos who wants that shit, right?’

Instawank…‘Instawank…wow…what can youse say, it’s fun but personally, like, I is thinking it is like a bit shallow cos it’s just for sending dirty pics and, like wanking, innit but it has one, like, well good feature cos people send you like their nude pics, it’s well easy to get them to do it, you just pretend you is like, someone else and have, like a fake profile and, yeh, they send you these, like, nudes, cos they think they delete when youse has looked at them but that’s total shit cos it’s well easy to keep instawank pictures.’

Shiterest…‘I is not liking Shiterest, can’t see the point of it if I is honest cos it’s, like, well shallow but cos I is like a well special social media influencer I is knowing stuff wot youse don’t and I can tell you something well interesting about Shiterest cos like it was at first called ShitOfVeryLittleInterest which, like, said what the site was all about which is well clever but it’s well dumb too cos, I mean, like, there is no-one what can type that many letters at once, cos, like, there is even more than ten letters there which is totally harsh and super can’t be done, so, yeh, they had to change the name of the name of the site to shiterest.’

PooTube…’Obvs, this is, like, my favourite site cos it’s the one wot made me famous and cos it, like, does what it says on the tin cos its just totally full of poo, like youse got all sorts of poo like violent poo, nasty poo, fake poo, stolen poo, totally out there made up poo and loads of, like, well special social media influencers like me telling youse how special we is and, like, just doing poo, like day in day out….

And there you have it. (Un)Social Media as described by a top notch social influencer, truly the inside track. And the take away from this piece. (Un)Social Media really, really is a load of nasty, vacuous shit – delete it!!

If You liked this you’ll also like my book of short stories ‘When Karma Bites…’

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