Why gay men should NOT have children!

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‘Kids are loud, obnoxious, they smell and they cost a bloody fortune!’

Okay, hold on now, you’ve read that line and you’ve seen the headline and you’re pissed off, right? Well, don’t be — this isn’t an ignorant, bigoted rant against gay men having children because it’s wrong/God would be angry/insert chosen bigotry here.

This piece is simply my personal perspective as a gay man on having children and how I, personally, see it — that particular view can be boiled down to one line:

KIDS!? KIDS!? ARE YOU MAD! HAVE YOU ACTUALLY SEEN WHAT THEY’RE LIKE, FOR FUCKS SAKE!!

To me, one of the many blissful points of being a gay man is that you get a free pass on many societal expectations. One of these is having kids and, let’s be honest, can we just not bother with this whole pretending to be just like straight people? We’re not. We’re gay. We’re different. Personally, I’d much rather be up to 5 in the morning dancing in some sleazy-glitter-fabulous club than trying to get a mewling brat to sleep. And who wants to replicate the whole familial structure of the hetero-patriarchy, anyway? I mean does it (‘they fuck you up, your mum and dad, they may not mean to but they do’ – Philip Larkin) really work that well? Maybe we’d be better off thinking about different forms and meaning of ‘family’? Knock that rancid old hetero-patriarchy on the head and replace it with the ‘gay-femininity’! Fab! Love it, bring it on!

Moving away from philosophical reasons for gay men not having children, let’s look at some practical reason for swerving the little blighters:

  1. Have you seen them? They’re ABSOLUTELY ‘ORRIBLE!! They smell, they scream, they shout, they cry — there is absolutely no reasoning with these little sods.

  2. They require constant attention. And I mean 24 hour vigilance. Leave the little blighters alone for even a second and they’ll go and stick their fingers in a plug socket/drink a bottle of bleach/hurl themselves out of a tenth-storey window/ sneak outside and play with the traffic/insert your own variation of hideous kiddy death scenario.

  3. They’re bad for you health. Not only will kids keep you up all night, aging you by twenty years, but they’re constant screaming and demands will totally screw up your mental health AND they are a riddled with every communicable disease going — they are walking human virus vectors!

  4. They cost a fortune. Forget that holiday, forget that darling designer shirt or even a few snatched minutes at Pizza Hut on a BOGOF night — kids will bankrupt you. They eat all the time, they require stupid rubbish like toys, they break stuff and they keep growing, needing a new pigging wardrobe every three pigging months.

  5. They shut your life down. Totally. If you have kids you’re life as a fully functioning gay man is over. No more nights out. No more crafty shags. No more dancing. No more silly bitching. No more being deliciously wicked, camp and irresponsible. No more seeing and understanding life from a totally different perspective. In fact, you will become, for all intents and purposes a straight man. And what gay man, in what strange and dysfunctional to the max universe, would want to be a straight man!!??

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